Regret is not fun

I think I regret the letter I sent.  I am expecting a response. If I don't get one I will be disappointed and if I never sent it I will not have these feelings.  Oh well, what done is done.  Ted, my therapist said sending him a letter might help me get closure and maybe it will.

Facebook or Facebook...that is the question

David thinks I post too much personal stuff on FB so I decided to take a break.  Maybe I did doing it for me or him?  I feel like such a child around him.  He says something and I do it.  Our relationship is so off. He makes me feel like an inappropriate person sometimes.  Like I dont' know what I am doing or I'm not capable.  I seriously don't know if we are going to make it.  My self confidence is growing and then he will say something and it is down a notch. I never thought I would think about divorce with him, but I seriously am.  He brings me down instead of lifting me up.  He constantly questions my childcare;  I love him, but  I don't know if that it is enough.  I feel like a child and do whatever he says. Whatever..I posted to my friends that I was taking a break, but I re-posted and said I changed my mind and changed my password.

Life what is it good for.................

There are so many things I cannot list. 

Family
Sunny cool days
lilacs
Smell of fresh cut grass
Love from someone
Vacation on a Disney cruise
Doing nothing all day
Reading a good book and wishing it wasn't over

I could go on and on

Did they write this article about me?

http://stress.about.com/od/professionalhelp/a/distortions.htm

A book a week keeps the doctor away

I have decided to start reading a book a week.  I have so many books- why not.  Megan, my BFF from Seattle sent me some stones and jars of Seattle air; Eastern Seattle air and Spring Seattle air.  It made me so emotional.  I miss her so much!!  I am going to do do my Sage burning blessing today or tomorrow on the house.  Anyway, back to my books.  I know I can do it.  I certainly have enough books and now that it is going to be hot outside I can either sit under our umbrella our stay inside.  In fact, no more purchasing of books until I have gone a month of reading a book a week. 

And we never talked about it again...........

Is the past really worth going back to?  I have a major life event that happened to me at age 15; I think about it most every day.  There is another person involved and there was zero closure.  Obviously as a teenager you don't really have that ability.  I talked to my therapist about it because I feel like I need forgiveness.  Do I need forgiveness from this other person involved? He automatically is in my thoughts when I think of this event.  I decided to send him a letter....almost 20 years after we have seen each other.  I can't imagine the shock on his face when he sees the return address, but a letter will get to him by the end of the week.  I don't necessarily expect a response, it would be nice to know that he is 'okay' with it.  Funny, how I ask that when I am not really okay with it. No one ever talked about it in my family and him/I never did either.  Is that why I still think about this emptiness I feel. 

Bless you Mommy

Those are words that just melt your heart.  I have allergies so my son is saying them.  Good day yesterday despite my fall.  I had to run my nephew from school to baseball practice, feed him dinner, etc.  It was nice to have him around.  My sister and husband helped at their twins' camp this week.

Kelly, my BFF stayed over night last night.  I love her so much and we just chat, chat.  We were up until midnight talking, which is big for me.  I go to bed at 7pm sometimes!!  I am still so happy that Graydon did SO well at his day camp yesterday.  The kid that worked the program told me he can't believe how smart Graydon is.  I have my Mom's group on June 1st, so I know now that he will do really well in the play groups!  Things are coming together for me here.  Feels good.  I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and I feel things are going well and he agrees.

This is where I fell and first met Willouby

I fell gardening this morning....yes.  I fell or slipped on the lawn.  I hoped no one saw me.  Plus my foot HURTS!!  It has been very rainy here so the grass is always a little wet.  I am accident prone anyway.

Today I took my son to a day camp for 2-3 year olds.  He was in daycare at age 1 for about 9 months, but other then that he hasn't really had much interaction with other kids or in an organized setting.  I was so nervous.  He asked if Elinor could come with him and I told him that the camp is for 2 and 3 year old kids and Eli is only 1.  He looked at Elinor and said "Sorry Elinor, you can't come to camp with me you aren't old enough".  I stayed for about 5 minutes and then slowly left. He didn't notice and he didn't notice when I came back either!!  They said he did great.  I was so proud of him. 

Insomniac the Revenge: Part 2

Well, it is 3:17am.  I checked facebook.  I did something somewhat devious.  I asked my high school boyfriend's sister to be my friend purely to see what would happen.  Will she say yes, if she does would it upset him or his wife.  We got along well so it isn't so far fetched.  I have therapy today with Ted.  I hope I go back to sleep so I can go and make some progress instead of sitting there like a lump. Ted is a good therapist, but he does this strange thing.  He picks at his fingers and then throws them.  Like all the time and I'm sure he does it with every client.  Not sure what we will talk about today, but after this one it will be 2 weeks until I see him again.  We are going to have a Memorial Day BBQ so I am searching for a grill.  I got a 10% off coupon from Home Depot so that should help.  I better go lie down and try to sleep.  Sweet dreams?

Are blogs meant to be read?

Just curious?  I don't tell anyone I have a blog. It's personal and nice to put it out there in the Internet....not sure why.

Dear Grandma F

My Grandma is no longer with us, she passed away a few weeks before my daughters birth in December 2009.  She loved the Royals, tea and all that stuff.  She gave me porcelain tea cups and china and all types of keep sakes.  I loved them.  When Prince William was born she was in England around the time and she got me a porcelain bell with Charles and Diana and HRH Prince William on it and Charles and Diana's picture on it.  When the recent Royal wedding of Kate and William took place I got up at the crack of dawn to watch it in her honor and because I do like it.  I looked high and low for a little something to go with my bell.  I finally something on Ebay from London- a thimble of Kate and William.  It is perfect and goes so well with my bell.  When I got it last night I so felt like my Gram F was there with me smiling.  She would be so pleased that i did that.  I put them next to her ashes on my bookshelf.  Gram, I want you to now your legacy is being kept going on in my family and I will pass them along to Elinor.  Along with the other china you gave me.  You are not forgotten.  Love and Miss you.  I know you watched the wedding with me in heaven and were with me when i opened my thimble.

Mom's Group....Seriously?

If you would have asked me several years ago if I would be going to  Mom's group I would have laughed in your face.  Well, I found the East Shore Mom's Group and I am going to a picnic on June 1st with the kids.  I think it will be so good for Graydon.  Elinor was a social butterfly out of the womb, but G needs some help in that department.  Plus, I love Kelly, but I think for the sake of the kid I need to expand my horizons and find some play groups for the kids.  G and Eli get along great with Korrine and Khloe, but I think G needs a boy to play with.  Again, oh how life has changed for me.  I am actually looking forward to it.  It would be nice to meet some other ladies to meet at events occasionally.  Not like Kelly, that is different.  We have a friendship where we share things and spend time together and have a connection.  I want to be involved in the community.  Maybe it is my age that I feel this way?

Was my life supposed to end up this way?

I always wonder if my life was supposed to end up this way.  I used to be happy and not have issues with depression.  Why or What happened?  I mean, I know on the surface what happened, but why didn't I have the tools to handle it?  I really want to instill strength in my kids to be able to handle hard times and disappointment.  They are a part of life and I don't think I was capable of handling them and am learning at 36 how to handle them.  I was just a kid out there in the 70's/80's dangling......  I know it's easy to blame your parents and I don't and all I can do is parent differently.  Everyone does the best with what they have.  I just wonder if God or our higher power has this plan for us when we were born or if the choices we make put us in these predicaments.  I choose #2 because I think I could have made so many better choices, but who knows.  Something to ponder.........

Insomniac!

4am. Awake.  Thinking.  Watching paid programming.  Jack, our nephew is staying over so Graydon is sleeping with us.  Still thinking about David and our trust issues.  I am more focused on how I retain my self confidence and move forward from my mistakes- ME.  Not David.  I am still concerned about my relationship with David, but the reason I got in trouble in the first place was how I felt others perceived me.  I am not perfect, but I will do my best.  I will do my best.  Is my best good enough?  Depression for me is that I am not perfect and that I should be.  Perfect Mom, Perfect Wife, Perfect Sister, Perfect Daughter, Perfect Housekeeper.  Like my therapist says, I like to hit myself over the head with a rubber hammer over and over again.  It's a hard habit to break. 

Lilacs Anyone?

I also realized that living here isn't bad so much after all.  Especially since I found out I have a lilac bush in my backyard.  I've learned to appreciate the little things.

Also, interesting side note.  My Grandma wouldn't let us bring them in the house because they used them for funerals when she was young.  No florists in the early 1900's.  Also her older sister, Pearl died at age 16 I guess the house was full of lilacs because she stayed in the house for several days.  Grandma also wouldn't let us bring peonies in the house because they brought in ants.  God bless her in heaven- she was quite the lady and I wonder what she thinks of us looking down from heaven. 

Trust

Trust is a problem for me right now, well my husband trusting me.  I have had issues with depression for years.  Since having my children, it has become significantly worse.  I have severe anxiety.  My doctor prescribe meds, however I go to another doctor to get additional meds because I am so anxious.  My husband found the bottle and whooooooshhh and trust we had gained down the toilet.  I don't blame him.  The past few months have been mind boggling horrible.  Including an attempt to take my life.  Depression is so horrible and a disease, but not treated like one.  If someone has cancer you go to the hospital and take care of it, not depression.  It's lame.  I feel  like I built up this trust with him and now my self confidence is gone with it.  How can I have my own feelings without me basing my feelings on how he feels about me.  This blog is never really intended for anyone in particular to read, just to vent.  Mostly, if anyone finds this it is to bring awareness to depression and suicide, which has become a part of my life.  Not the entire part, but part of my journey.  I was in a deep, dark whole that no one could have brought me out of and dying was the only answer.  Thank goodness they were able to start my heart and get me breathing again and I am here to type this and chronicle my life as a Mom and Wife and my journey as a new East Coaster!  Thanks for reading this.

West Coast to East Coast

I lived in Seattle for over 5 years and for financial reasons we moved to Pennsylvania.  I love, love, love Seattle.  I miss it every day.  It has taken me 14 months to come to terms with the fact that I am going to raise my kids here and everything is going to be okay.  I know I sound like a 'baby', but I had to change my expectations and that was very difficult for me. 

There are so many positives to living here in Pennsylvania and once I started to focus on those life has become so much easier.  We can afford a house here, the kids can play outside most every day.  We are closer to my sister's family.  Plus, I met an amazing friend, Kelly who I think I was destined to meet because we are the best of friends!  We are close to NYC, DC, Boston and so many East Coast cities.  Granted I don't have my Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and cheap wine to choose or and Ikea, but I think I can give those up to watch my kids swing from their tree in their backyard!