Don't always ask for what you want

Letter sent.  Expecting email response one or two times and closure would be done.  Life is simple, but not easy.  I got the response, which was nice.  However, not exactly what I was looking for.  He basically pretended this did not happen,  his wife does not even know.  My guess is that no one in his life knows as far as parents, brothers, etc.  He said he rarely thinks about it after I told him I think about it every day.  I feel like I am trying to physically pull emotional closure from this person to fill the emptiness I feel.  I wonder if this emotional closure I expected from him does not even exist.  He said he has just "blocked it out of his life".  I have sent some very emotional emails to him that have freaked him out and I seriously think he contemplated not talking to me anymore.  I think guilt is what is driving his communication with me now.  He is or used to be too soft hearted of a person for him to tell me not to email him would be extremely difficult.  So, I am thinking that we have probably done all that we can to emotional close this.  I think he has been living his life for the past almost 20 years blocking it out and I'm the opposite.  We aren't two puzzle pieces that are going to help me feel better because we don't "fit" together.  Hope that makes sense.  I just can't believe that blocked it out, I wish I could. 

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can

Easier said then done.....isn't it???  Well for me anyway since I have a hard time letting go.  When I read this I almost don't deserve to have a blank canvas.  Why not?  Everyone deserves a blank canvas.

Master Class

I watched this Master Class on OWN and I thought it really made sense.

Surrender

"God can dream a bigger dream for me, for you, than you could ever dream for yourself. When you've worked as hard and done as much and strived and tried and given and pled and bargained and hoped...surrender. When you have done all that you can do, and there's nothing left for you to do, give it up. Give it up to that thing that is greater than yourself, and let it then become a part of the flow."— Oprah

I like Oprah, but I'm not a fanatic and buy everything she loves or every book she reads.  I respect her.  I think this quote helps me to understand that in something that I have been carrying around holding it so tight and feeling so bad about it that I need to just give it up.  I can't change it.  I can't change it.....I can't change it. 

Regret is not fun

I think I regret the letter I sent.  I am expecting a response. If I don't get one I will be disappointed and if I never sent it I will not have these feelings.  Oh well, what done is done.  Ted, my therapist said sending him a letter might help me get closure and maybe it will.

Facebook or Facebook...that is the question

David thinks I post too much personal stuff on FB so I decided to take a break.  Maybe I did doing it for me or him?  I feel like such a child around him.  He says something and I do it.  Our relationship is so off. He makes me feel like an inappropriate person sometimes.  Like I dont' know what I am doing or I'm not capable.  I seriously don't know if we are going to make it.  My self confidence is growing and then he will say something and it is down a notch. I never thought I would think about divorce with him, but I seriously am.  He brings me down instead of lifting me up.  He constantly questions my childcare;  I love him, but  I don't know if that it is enough.  I feel like a child and do whatever he says. Whatever..I posted to my friends that I was taking a break, but I re-posted and said I changed my mind and changed my password.

Life what is it good for.................

There are so many things I cannot list. 

Family
Sunny cool days
lilacs
Smell of fresh cut grass
Love from someone
Vacation on a Disney cruise
Doing nothing all day
Reading a good book and wishing it wasn't over

I could go on and on

Did they write this article about me?

http://stress.about.com/od/professionalhelp/a/distortions.htm